Itachi did WHAT? The Talk with the Uchihas
by Funk Coffin
Summary: Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto were planning on giving their youngest son, Sasuke, the The Talk. However, Itachi seemed to have already told Sasuke everything he needed to know about the subject--through experience. ItaSasu, Uchihacest. Oneshot. Rated M


_I do not own any Naruto characters...I just own their plushies ^-^_

_Haha, yeah...Set right before the massacre._

_The Uchihacest is more than lightly hinted, so if you don't like--go away!  
_

* * *

Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto sat their youngest son, Sasuke, at their kitchen table, opposite side from them, so that they could face their son. Sasuke was slouching, bored and impatient. He didn't know what was going on or what his parents were going to say. He knew it was probably important, but he wanted to get back to Itachi who promised to train him some more.

Fugaku shifted in his seat nervously, unable to say anything. Mikoto had an awkward smile and let out a fake chuckle. Sasuke just blinked.

"Well, since you're father won't say anything, I guess it's up to me," Mikoto said, intending to sound joking, but failing miserably. "Well, you see Sasuke, when a man and a woman fall in love with each other--"

"Oh, is _that_ all this is about?" Sasuke asked in a bored tone, "Cuz really, I don't think that you need to go out of your way to tell me stuff to tell me stuff I already know."

Fugaku coughed, "Wait, _what_? What do you know?"

Sasuke groaned, "When a man and a woman--or a man and a man/woman and woman--fall in love together, they do...Er, I forget what it's called...Something about an entering course or whatever..."

"Inter_course_?" Mikoto gasped.

"Yeah, that's right!" Sasuke smiled innocently.

"And--do you know what that _entails_?" Mikoto asked slowly.

"Sure I do," Sasuke replied, "Why _wouldn't_ I?"

"Who the hell taught you this?!" Fugaku spat in a loud voice.

"Nii-san, of course!"

"...When exactly?"

"I dunno, a few years ago, I guess."

Mikoto blinked. "How did this come up, may I ask?"

"Oh, that's easy. You see, there was this one night where this was this big storm. I got scared, so I went to Nii-san's room...I was crying and stuff, so to cheer me up, he said that he'd teach me...stuff."

Mikoto blinked twice. She knew that this shouldn't be that big of an issue. So what if Itachi told his little brother some things she'd rather him not? It wouldn't be all that uncommon. But something about the aura of the situation made her feel slightly uneasy. She answered, "So...was that the only time?"

"Er, no. He taught me more details over time and stuff...But after that night I basically got the swing of things."

"May I ask how so?" Mikoto tried to keep a smile on her face. Fugaku, on the other hand was too overcome by the awkwardness of the situation to say anything.

"Oh, Itachi is a really good teacher, better than you guys--no offense. He teaches hands-on!"

"Hands-_what_?"

"Ya know, teaching through experience?"

"Ex-experience?!" Mikoto went pale, hoping that what her youngest son meant wasn't as it sounded.

"The _fuck_ did that boy teach you?" Fugaku finally spoke. Normally, he tried his best to speak formally in front of his children, but this seemed to be an okay exception.

"Oh, many types!" Sasuke smiled sweetly. "Only, well, I don't think that I'd be able to do any of them myself, but that's okay. Nii-san said that I'm not meant to be _that person _anyway!"

"Types of...?" Mikoto breathed, sounding like she was about to pass out.

"I'm not allowed to use that word," Sasuke stated simply.

"_Fuck_?" She asked, almost going into hysteria.

"Yeah," Sasuke replied, not knowing why his parents were looking the way they were. Maybe it wasn't all that impressive that he knew that. Or did they think that that was _all _Sasuke knew about when it came to that subject? He couldn't let them think that his Nii-san wasn't a good teacher! "Well, that's not the _only _things he taught, ya know! He also taught me about the different male parts! Like that sticky clear stuff that tastes kinda bitter. Hey, does the taste affect personality at all? It'd make sense if it did. What do you think I'd taste like?"

Sasuke waited for his parents to reply. They didn't. Maybe this was his cue to continue. "Well, back to the first thing. The word I can't use and all? Yeah, that's what Nii-san likes the best. 'Cept he always seems kinda sad because he says he doesn't like hurting me. It does hurt a lot, too! Sometimes he puts weird toy-things in me. They, too can hurt, but they feel good after a while. Yeah, but Nii-san himself hurts the worst, I must say. But it has the best outcome, if you know what I mean. He makes it hurt less by using this weird jelly stuff. But, even so, it then hurts to walk all the next day. One time when Nii-san was _really _into it, I couldn't sit for days, it seemed! But Nii-san seemed so proud of me, so I didn't say anything.

"Oh, but hey, it's not like I do nothing! Nii-san has taught me through demonstration how to lick, nibble, or suck on certain areas. He seems to enjoy it, too! He tells me that when I'm older that he'll do more and more of that stuff to _me_! Well, he does that to my neck and chest area, but not _every _area. Cuz, well you know, my _lower area_ isn't all finished like Nii-san's. He says it'll take more effect then, or something."

Sasuke watched his parents get paler and paler. As he spoke, their faces basically went like this:

???

...

!!!

After a few moments of awkward silence, finally his mother spoke. "Are you...Are you serious, Sasuke? Because, if you are making this up, you need to tell us now."

"Why would I lie about something like that?"

"...Sasuke, this is a very big deal."

"Yeah, Nii-san said that it is the most important thing _ever_! That moments when we are together like that are the highlights of life!"

Mikoto covered her mouth with her hand. More than likely, she was in a state of shock.

"_You're telling us that your bastard brother has been fucking you in the ass for several years, and you're just _now _telling us?!_" Fugaku suddenly spoke.

"Well, yeah. That sounds right." Sasuke didn't understand the sudden fuss.

"THAT'S CHILD MOLESTATION AND INCEST! YOU'RE BROTHER IS A SICK BASTARD WHO NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP! AFTER THIS GETS OUT, HE'LL NO LONGER BE HEAD OF THE ANBU FOR SURE!!!" Fugaku yelled, loosing it. Sasuke's eyes got big, his mouth dropping open. Mikoto burst into tears.

It was that moment that Uchiha Itachi happened to pass by the doorway. Luckily, he wasn't seen, so he managed to sneak back quietly unseen. He went outside of their residence and pondered the situation quietly. After a moment, he calmly wondered to the center of Konoha, where the elders of the village were waiting for him.

"Ah, Itachi, have you changed your mind after all?" Danzo asked, seeing the young ANBU leader appear.

"Yes sir, the Uchiha are deranged lunatics. Nothing they say can be trusted--they are pathological liars. Don't be surprised if they start saying horrible things about me, as I can assure you that they aren't true. I think it'd be best to rid the world of them."

...

The massacre occurred a week later.

* * *

_I have way too much time on my hands..._

_Yeah, I officially have no pride or honor left._

_Sigh.._


End file.
